Pretty for a Psycho

I currently am a 29 year old female living in Jacksonville, Fl. I have bipolar disorder, degrees of ptsd and I’m about to start a new job Tuesday.

 A ‘big girl job’ as I’ve put it. 

One with benefits, full time hours and will afford me a better life than the one I’ve built on part time minimum wage jobs that make it impossible to afford insurance. 

So why this tug? Why this building tumult in my core that threatens to explode and ruin everything? 

Well my friends, that is what being a self loathing, self sabotaging psycho is all about. Something starts as a splinter and works its way down and festers. 

Now when I use that term ‘psycho’ I use it as a means of reclaiming it. I have been called that to some degree by almost every person that I’ve let get close for the last half of my life. 

So if you can’t beat em. 

Leaving the job I’m currently at is bittersweet. It was easy and relaxed, but I couldn’t live on what they pay me, not to mention there are no benefits so when you get sick, you miss out on that money and you succumb to ramen eating poverty and very rarely can make up the time. Oh and then there’s affording medication without insurance, but that’s another story for another time.

Fear of the unknown is what drives this little itch, the one I can’t reach. I don’t know what’s to come, but I know I need it to work out. I just have to rebel against every fiber of my being that’s screaming ‘you’re gonna fail‘. 

Shouldn’t be too terribly hard.

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